In my earlier post, “Handle pressure the assertive way”, I wrote about the importance of being assertive in the context of handling pressure. It is important to note that pressure need not be only of an explicit kind, like for example, a manager pressurizing a subordinate to satisfy unreasonable demands, or a constantly nagging counterpart in a relationship. Pressure could be implicit as well, like for example, an overly considerate or empathetic nature could pressurize oneself into going totally out of the way. Secondly, assertiveness applies not just to situations where one undergoes pressure. It could very well apply to situations where one is in a position to apply pressure to others as well. Further, it would also come handy in dealing with a situation where the hurt has already been done to you before you even noticed it.

So how should one go about practicing the assertive way? I’ve tried to put into writing here what I have been used to doing intuitively:

1. Know yourself – Your principles, duties, rights and your value.
2. Define your limits
3. Respect your position – Trust yourself
4. Be aware – Identify the need for assertion
5. Calm down – Arrest agitation
6. Affirm your position – Silently
7. Express yourself – Your opinions, needs, feelings, beliefs
8. Evaluate and learn – Get better!

First of all, know your rights, duties and values. Knowing your principles clearly helps you in identifying a situation that is against them. Knowing your duties helps you clearly identify the times when you have the obligation to do what you have committed to do. Knowing your rights well enough helps you respect your position, your time, and the limits of your commitments. And finally, knowing your value helps in standing for your rights. Without knowing your principles, duties, rights and value, there is very little you can do for yourself. Know yourself!

Once you have defined your principles, duties, rights and value, the next thing to do it to define limits for each of them. Limits help in identifying when you are not being what you want to be. Set a lower limit and an upper limit for everything. The span between these limits is your acceptable variance. The variation that you have set for yourself is the way you have defined how you want to take your life forward.

After you have analyzed yourself and have defined your limits, you will be in a much better position to deal with situations. You will be more confident of yourself, and you will be able to respect your position because they are based on facts and strong beliefs. Now trust yourself, and you are halfway through dealing with everything the assertive way.

The first three points in the approach outlined above are preparatory steps, which you need to think over and prepare well in advance. They are all about being self-aware. You should work on it constantly throughout your life, making changes as and when your thoughts and ways of living keep changing. Self-awareness is a continuous process – practice it day and night. When you are self-aware, you are prepared for the next phase, which is the part for assertive action.

It could be easy for an unprepared person to go through a situation without realizing the need to be assertive. He or she could have just been made use of, without even knowing it. Alternatively, even if the person becomes aware of the situation, unprepared that he is, being submissive is the most certain outcome. But when you are well prepared, it becomes increasingly easier to be aware. Being aware of each situation and identifying the need for you to be assertive is a very important step.

When you know your position well, you can easily identify a pressure situation. But not just that, it is also easy to be agitated or arrogant when seeing that someone is trying to push you outside the limits that you have set for yourself. At this point, you have to calm yourself down. Before reacting, count to ten. Take a deep breath or two. This is necessary because you don’t want to cross over the assertive line and become arrogant. The ill effects of being arrogant have been stressed already in my earlier article. Arrest your agitation immediately.

After you have calmed yourself down, affirm to yourself your principles, duties, rights and your value, and the limits that you have set for yourself. Trust yourself and respect the need to protect yourself. In other words, reinforce the preparations that you have been doing always as per steps 1 to 3. Then, silently affirm to yourself that you would not compromise your position.

Now that you are well rooted in your ground, you are ready for action. Remember, by this time you are aware of your limits, and you are calm. To be assertive, you now have to just express one or more of the most important facts that drive the point you want to put across to the other person. If you have been used to being submissive, you might think that it would take a lot of courage for assertive action. But trust me, if you are well prepared and have followed the previous steps, expressing yourself comes very naturally. If you have been used to being aggressive, following the previous steps would ensure that you have a reasonable ground to express yourself without showing aggression. After your point has been made, and before the situation is concluded, ensure that you have protected yourself within the limits that you have set for yourself. And when you see that you have handled the situation assertively, feel good about it and appreciate yourself.

Finally, take a little time to evaluate the situation that you just handled. Note down what you did well, and what you could have done better. Being assertive is an art. You have to keep on learning from your experiences, practice and improve your techniques based on your learning, and keep getting better! And last, but not the least, have fun with this and keep enjoying the assertive way!